i think the best way to describe it is “in it”
I was drifting to sleep one night when a wave of panic ripped through me.
Out of the blue, I realized I had made a mistake ringing something up at the shop I worked at a few days a week. It was immediately met with panic and fears of:
Getting in trouble with my managers,
Inconveniencing my coworker who I thought I was trying to help.
Tears ran down my face. I jumped out of bed to prepare myself for the anger I thought I’d receive (read: thought I deserved) directed towards me, I stared at Slack only expecting a bubble to pop up. And then there was nothing. But instead of just letting that be the end of it and a letting the sigh of relief happen, the anticipation felt all-consuming.
Why was this my reaction to an honest mistake? When I look back at the day, it all goes back to the fact I had put myself second more times than I could count. I hadn’t eaten anything all day because I’d rather just sit down on my 10 minute break than trying to find something to eat and take 4 hurried bites. I didn’t recognize and recenter after waking up with a headache that persisted all day which caused me to sleep well through my morning routine.
In my mind and body, I couldn’t rest until something negative happened. Until I got in ‘trouble,’ until my coworker was mad at me and I tried to make it better with an apology. My inner child was activated. The feelings of fear that came from making an honest mistake took me back to wondering if I’d get in trouble with my parents and be sent to a ‘time out.’ That deep fear of getting in trouble overcame my need to simply give myself grace and remember that I’m human. My inner child was stuck in the black and white of wrong or right. Either I made no mistakes and I was perfect or I was a terrible student, daughter, partner, employee and there was no in between. And the fear of making the mistake felt like the straw between being okay and feeling the cycle of stress all over again. This feeling had started when I didn’t know how to regulate stress or even what stress was.
“Your body has adapted to experience stress as a natural cycle just like all our other cycles: breathing, circulation, digestion and so on. Just like those other cycles, problems happen if the stress cycle is interrupted…Stress is not the enemy – getting stuck is the enemy. To deal with your stress you have to break the stress response cycle”
— The Burnout Workbook by Amelia Nagoski, DMA
and Emily Nagoski, PhD
That’s the feeling of being ‘in it’. The feeling of being stuck in the stress cycle. Where the only way I can feel complete the cycle is if I experienced the anticipated outcomes of my mistake; and only then would my stress feel like it could cool it. When a feeling becomes so engrained, the first challenge is recognizing the cycle and the next step is learning how to break it.
My body had become addicted to this feeling. It was kept fed by the way I was living my life. At my 9-5 job, it loved to see a Slack message pop up hoping for a stress-ridden message from a coworker. It savored urgent emails and felt alive every time I had the opportunity to swoop in and save the day. In my personal life, my body searched for moments where I accidentally ‘said the wrong thing’ and built the internal monologue around the over-apology in my head. In my 20s it looked like fearing disappointing my friends at the expense of the much needed time for grad school homework.
As I started to recognize the signs when my body was taking me down the slippery slope of the stress cycle, here are the steps I developed to start to break the cycle:
Pause
I remind myself and my inner child that making mistakes is a normal thing and they happen to everyone. I don’t have to punish myself for being a normal human being. I take a moment to place a hand over my heart and stomach to help my heart brain and stomach brain feel held.
Reflect
I take a moment to recognize the ways I wasn’t setting myself up for success. Was I trying to fit too much into a small window of time? Was I putting myself second to the perceived needs of others only to find that the people in my life actually didn’t want me to put myself second at all? Where can I be gentler with myself so that when mistakes do happen, I feel more internally resourced to navigate them.
Offer yourself grace
A stressed brain loves to loop and loves even more to latch onto what it can’t control. Take a moment to recognize where you’re trying to control an outcome with your thoughts. The thoughts that say “checking my messages more frequently will make them respond faster” or that keep you waiting for the other shoe to drop. Offer yourself the same grace you want to receive from others first.
If you’re caught in the stress cycle, you’re not alone. And if you’re looking for some support in breaking free from it, I offer 1:1 Reiki and Sound Healing Sessions and I’d love support your journey.