i guess you’re wondering how I got here.

I’ve been burnt out (or on my way there) for longer than I can remember. I have flashbacks to internally panicking during dance class about how I would get my homework done as a kid. I learned early that this feeling of overwhelm was normal. That my heart and mind racing to fit everything in a day was a somatic norm. Fast forward to high school: I was a theatre kid, in multiple clubs, and taking classes at a local university to set myself apart for college. Fast forward to college where I had a major and three minors, worked three campus jobs and was president of film society, doing costume design for theatre, playing intermural soccer and somehow finding time for a social life (is your head spinning too?)

I felt a need to accumulate. The feeling that accumulation would put me “ahead” in life, not paying attention to the toll that gathering more certifications, more experience, more knowledge was taking on my energy. And in between it all, I wasn’t giving myself time to integrate and experience what I learned.

Somewhere along the line there was disconnect that adding lines to my resume meant more time and places where my energy was scattered. I knew that I wanted to find a job after I graduated and that translated to ignoring the signals my body was sending to slow down.

This pattern continued for years until I reached a turning point. I held three completely different roles at my full time job and was growing my business when I decided to take a leap. After 7.5 years of juggling, I was ready to finally set some things down. To take a step towards simplifying my life and cultivating time to just chill.

I’ll be honest: I thought I would leave my full time job and all my stress would just disappear. That a life outside of my 9-5 would be filled with time freedom, but it actually felt like there wouldn’t be enough time to make it through my to-do list that was ever-growing and all-consuming. This was far from what I dreamt of. It felt like I went from being extra overwhelmed to just normal overwhelmed –– and that’s when I realized I was in deeper than I thought.

Through the emotional and financial limbo that was 2024, I somehow ended up in the same positions I was in before - working three roles, but at three separate places. I was managing my own business, freelancing for my previous full-time job, and working at a local shop. I was somehow working 40+ hours per week with no time to process, to breathe and to actually unwind.

As I took time to recognize the repeating cycles there was one theme that kept coming up:

difficulty saying no, a fear of disappointing others (and the attachments that creates)

I used to think I was an extrovert until I heard this differentiator:

“if you recharge by being around people, you’re likely an extrovert; if you recharge by being alone, you’re likely an introvert”

woah. yeah. that.

I identify as an ambivert, which means I can recharge by being alone and also by being in community. But when I was in constant go mode, I was so out of tune with what I was needing in each moment. I realized that I require much more alone time than I was allowing myself to experience. At work this showed up as having a hard time distinguishing between if I can take on more and if I actually have the energetic space to do so. My ‘yes’ can come fast. It overrides my intuition and any signs my body sends me that the no is there.

This past year has challenged me in many ways. I’ve felt nervous to share these stories with others in fear that it would be “bad for business” or “no one will want to work with someone who is burnt out.” But the more folks I’ve been open with about it, the more I feel supported and not alone. I trust that the clients, the communities and individuals who are meant to walk this path with me will get it and maybe see parts of themselves in these reflections. The best way I can describe this year is the limbo of being in the chrysalis. In trasition, in freefall, in the throes of overcoming imposter syndrome + insecurity.

And I’m grateful for every moment of this chapter.

If you’re looking for a way to see the ways you’re saying ‘yes’ when your body is saying ‘no’, my free Seeing Yourself Meditation helps you to be present with the identities you juggle in your life.