greetings from limbo
the past year
At the end of 2023 I left my full time job of 7.5 years. It was the only job I’d had since moving to Portland in 2016 and much more of my identity than I recognized. When people asked what I did I found such comfort in responding “I work at an agency.” For the most part people knew what that meant and I subtly carried a sense of “I’m an English major whose actually doing something with it” energy. What I didn’t acknowledge for most of my time there was how much my identity was wrapped up in work.
That first Monday after leaving I was in disbelief and by Friday I had entered limbo.
This particular brand of limbo was somewhere between feeling calm, feeling overwhelmed, feeling freedom yet completely burnt out. It was like my nervous system was holding on until it could fully release and that’s when the complete exhaustion set in. I wanted to hit the ground running with all the ideas I had waited to bring to life, but what I needed was deep rest. My mind was going 24/7 of what’s the next idea, how am I going to make enough money for the month, how am I going to market all these things at once, what’s even my strategy?
January 2024: That first month after was a a good mix of bliss and uncertainty. After receiving a regular paycheck since I started working at a library at 16, I wasn’t used to (or prepared for) the triangulating of managing different streams of income. I felt like I was in a freefall. I was feeling the realities of leaving a job with a little savings and a big dream. I had put all my hope in that I would sell my self-guided course and it would just be that easy. I soon realized that was not entirely the case. My thoughts became consumed with:
“if I played that sound bath on Tuesday, I’ll get paid of it on Friday but what about the one that I’m paid Net30 for”
“Will ______ event line up on this day or that one? Maybe I should add another event just in case”
“I hope something works with what I’m posting and people see my event. What if no one does”
February 2024: I had put my all into events. I was relying primarily on events and classes as my main source of income and at the same time I was having a blast. I was teaching often, getting to connect with so many folks and really finding my stride. I was excited every time a new inquiry came in for a corporate event and was loving teaching public classes for the community.
April 2024: Looking ahead to my spring and summer –– I was booked and busy. I had started doing more sessions again and started finding a consistent client base. Things were flowing with Late Breakfast and Black Moon, the collective I was running in SE Portland, and I could really feel a sense of stability coming. However I couldn’t shake the feeling an introvert feels when they just need some time to do nothing. Time to look out the window, clear my head and just be. But yet I pushed on because for the first time in my life I was experiencing not showing up for work and getting paid, but the small business owner realities of being a sound healer by day and a social media manager, accountant, bookkeeper and administrative assistant by night. I was starting to feel the same habits that landed me in the throes of burnout in the corporate world creep into my business.
August 2024: I hit a wall. I was in a post-moving and pre-traveling home to see my family and I had lost all motivation in my work. That scrambled feeling of not knowing where to begin overtook me and I felt the weight of burnout yet again. I made a decision to pause taking on new events through the end of the year to take time to reevaluate the energy I was outputting vs. the energy I was pouring back into myself. I took on a second job at a local shop and let myself rest and rebuild.
September 2024: We decided to pause on Black Moon and close our doors for the time. We all had reached a point where the collective wasn’t functioning as we originally dreamt up. Moving through the grief of release, I started to feel the space that I was needing in my mind, body and life to shape my life the way I envisioned. I knew I wasn’t out of limbo yet, but I was starting to take some baby steps to finding my way out even though I was still in it.
December 2024:
The limbo was in full effect. I was wrapping up the past year while planning for the next. My head was spinning and I was ready to break. It was then I took a moment to reflect on the past year. I made it, I did it. I thought. Realizing that I had made it a year outside of the corporate world I was existing within for almost a decade. I don’t think I had any idea what life would be like outside of a consistent paycheck and have full control and creativity with how I support myself.
The present (April 2025)
After a period of the depths of the cocoon, I feel inspiration returning. I feel the desire to take action on the things I want to bring to life returning. I feel a piece of myself that I had lost coming back online. Which was the inspiration to start this blog. I realized this past year spent in limbo was among the most challenging to go from such feelings of stability to a feeling of freefall. Caught somewhere in between where I was and where I’m going. The only thing that felt real was the present (which sometimes felt like for better or for worse).
My hope is that in sharing my experience you, dear reader, can get a window into the in between spaces of change. So often what is shared online is the before (i.e. how to prepare to quit your job) or the after (i.e. I left my job and now I’ve never been happier, here’s how). But what about the weird in between? When you’re somewhere in between where you’ve been but not quite to where you’re going. That feeling of knowing you’re on the right track but know there’s still a long road ahead. When you’re on you’re healing journey and there are days, weeks or months where you just feel like you’re going through it. That’s what this blog is about.
If you’re new here, my name is Antha. I support my clients and community in healing from burnout through Yoga, Reiki and sound healing. I’m excited for you to learn more about me and my work.