underneath my burnout is a tablespoon of embarrassment
The other day after having my sixth day in a row working later than planned, I was exhausted. My eyes were strained, my body was tired of being in a constant state of “what’s next on my to-do list,” and my brain was starting to turn to mush.
I was tired of telling my partner “one more email and then I’ll be done.”
I was over the feeling of waking up to the alarm of my to-do list in my head.
I was tired of feeling like I had to hide how much work I had left to do.
That’s when I had a realization: Underneath my burnout lives a feeling of embarrassment.
A funny thing happens when you peel back the layers of emotion. And when you feel safe to. I used to say that I don’t get angry, until I realized my anger just looks different. I realized that my anger is disguised as sadness that I end up reflecting back to myself. Somewhere along the line I learned that having a lot of work to do is shameful. That not being able to have time to spend how I want to is something I can’t share with others. And that’s when I saw the ways I’ve been isolating myself in my burnout. Letting this shame and embarrassment quietly grow underneath the surface led to a few different patterns:
I was dishonest with myself about my time
This is one of those sneaky people-pleasing moments that only becomes clear in hindsight. Every time someone asked “how much longer do you have for work?” my mind would do the quickly mental gymnastics to jump through the hoops of:
When would they like me to be done?
Will they be too tired for our plans if I take the time I need?
I don’t want to disappoint them, I’ll give myself an hour, that should be okay with them, right?
All the while I was completely neglecting myself and the time I actually did need to feel grounded, present and actually ready for our plans.
There’s a difference here between setting a time boundary for myself i.e. “I only want to do an hour more of work” and setting my work time based on someone else’s projected expectations (i.e. They may be mad at me if I’m not done soon enough”). Learning the different is key in understanding the intent of the time limit I’m setting for myself.
I projected on others that they were mad at me for being ‘no fun’
There were some friendships in my early 20s that genuinely made me feel this way. I didn’t feel seen in the validity of my work and they made that clear. Well after those friendships came and went, my body and mind still carried that memory. But instead of leaving that memory, I projected this on myself. Thoughts like:
“I’m no fun if I can’t keep my plans”
“People will think I’m flaky if I have to reschedule” even if it meant working late into the night to make it all happen.
Thoughts that only kept me stuck in these same cycles, because I made myself the problem which kept me from seeing a solution.
I hid many of the emotions I navigated while working until I “had the time”
Behind the late nights, the stacked calendar, and the constantly feeling spread thin was a deep desire to feel seen. I wanted my friends to know I was struggling to stay afloat without being perceived as weak. I wanted people to know I was trying my best to not have a full calendar even though it seemed to always be the case. I wanted my friends to know that I needed support without feeling like a burden. And until I was able to see myself, I wasn’t allowing myself to feel seen by others.
Burnout can be an isolating experience, but doesn’t have to be. It doesn’t have to be shameful and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Here are three ways I’ve been changing my internal narrative:
Be honest about your time and how you want to spend it
Sometimes taking time to get ahead on work is what I need, even if it means I have to say no to some things. Other times work really can wait. It’s all about letting yourself be honest with yourself and others.
Take the time you need
Truly. Remember that you have control over your time as out of control it may feel at times. If you need extra time to work on something –– find out how you can take it. Ask for an extension. Check-in. Let people know where you’re at. Allow yourself to be seen in what you need.
Ground in the transition time
When jumping between tasks, give yourself time to ground in between. Just a few rounds of box-breathing or placing your feet on the ground to recenter. Take what you need, the work will be there, your main job is to decide what you need for it to feel sustainable.
Ready to come home to yourself?
I offer a free guided meditation called Seeing Yourself that guides you through a journey of looking at how you see yourself, how seen you feel in your family, friendships, romantic relationships and at work.