the importance of having a day with no plans
If you asked to me six years ago what I had planned on any given day, I would rattle off a list of times and events that I had on my calendar.
“I get out of class at 3:30, then I head to get drinks with my friend, after that I’m heading up north to go to a show, and then I’ll meet up with another friend for late night snack”
I used to think that being busy meant, I was doing good. I thought it was good to have a packed schedule and always be on-the-go. It meant that I had people who wanted to spend time with me. It meant that I was liked. It meant I was doing things and not just sitting around. It meant that I was a good friend because I was always available and along for the ride.
It also meant I had developed a habit of people pleasing. And that I didn’t have the boundaries to confidently say ‘no’ when I really needed to stay home. It meant that I was self-sacrificing and self-sabotaging every time I agreed to plans knowing that I would have to stay up late or have to wedge these plans in between others.
It equally meant that I was burning myself out every week by letting a quick ‘yes’ and the fear of disappointment shape my schedule. I would fall into this cycle of stacking my schedule until it was bursting at the seams then isolating hard because my social battery was completely depleted. I would take a few evenings after work to catch up on my shows and call that “rest.” It wasn’t until this pattern became the norm that I realized that I didn’t just need a few evenings on my couch to recover, I needed whole days with no plans. It used to feel like I was doomscrolling my calendar looking for any day where I didn’t have something planned so I could catch my breath. I was drowning in my own obligations and feeling like I was stuck and dissociating from feeling completely drained.
After years of keeping up this pattern, I knew something had to change. The first step in recognizing that I needed to slow down was getting clarity that this isn’t how I want to feel. I wanted to feel present when I’m around others, not running through the mental list of all the things I’m running behind on. I took time to reflect on how different areas of my life felt and what was out of balance. When I looked at some friendships, I could see that I was outputting way more than I was pouring back into myself. My constant plans driven by a fear of saying ‘no’ kept me feeling depleted. When I looked at work, I was the definition of burning the candle on both ends. I was juggling three roles and constantly working late just to stay on top of the projects I had on my plate. When I looked at my previous relationship, I wasn’t making space to connect intentionally which led to feeling distant and spread thin. Looking at all these things helped me realize, what I need was just a day to turn my brain off. A day where I didn’t need to be anywhere, email anything, or even text anyone. Just a day to rest everything.
Enter: the planned ‘no plans’ days
These days aren’t always about doing nothing –– although they sometimes are. These days are about inviting my nervous system to relax without a time limit. It opens me up to what it feels like when my creativity isn’t limited by the constraints of time.
What started as a rare occurrence, became the staples of my month. When I was a salaried employee I used to book random days off so far out I forgot about them. So when my coworker would ask me what I had planned for my day off I could confidently say “ absolutely nothing.” I knew that I put that day on my calendar for a reason, to feel free from emails, from plans, from anything that asked for my attention.
This then led to ‘no plans’ weekends. I would take a Friday off and plan the following day to have no plans either. I felt the difference in my nervous system when I wasn’t gearing up to head someplace or having to give myself a time limit when I got into a creative flow. It was a game changer. And for the first time in a long time, I experienced the feeling of feeling ‘free’. Not the type of free when I look my calendar it’s the small window of time where technically I didn’t have anything planned, but actually truly, free. Now that my schedule is more fluid as a full-time entrepreneur and freelancer, scheduling these days can feel more accessible as long as I plan ahead.
Some days this looks like not leaving the house at all. Reminding myself that nothing I need in that moment exists outside of my home. Other days that looks like waking up knowing I can build the day exactly how I want to. The point of a ‘no plans’ isn’t necessarily to do nothing (though it definitely can be), the point is to let my body and nervous system know that I don’t have to prepare to be anywhere.
How to incorporate ‘no plans’ days into your schedule
Plan ahead
Mark your calendar for that day and stick to it. That doesn’t mean that you have to say no to every invitation, rather develop the habit of checking in with yourself first. This also involves taking care of things that may otherwise pull your attention if you don’t wrap them up first. Finish those lingering emails, put on your ‘out of office’, let your partner or friends know that that’s your plan if you need to –– whatever you need to do to prioritize ease on that day.
Develop the language to set boundaries around your time
My biggest learning was developing the language to not give an immediate ‘yes’. Because the saying ‘yes’ was the default, I was out of practice with checking in with my body first.
Let’s practice together:
Say someone invites you to go to the movies. You’ve been wanting to see the movie they’re going to see, but that was the day you finally found space in your calendar to rest. Instead of looking at your calendar and responding “yeah I’m free that day” try:
“can I get back to you closer to then? I was planning for that to be a self-care day and am seeing how that shapes up”
“I was planning to take it easy that day, I’ve been having a full week. Can I let you know that day?”
“That sounds so fun! I’ll put that in my calendar. I was planning to rest that day, can I get back to you day-of?”
And if they respond “I was really hoping to get a headcount by the end of today” Instead of folding and immediately saying “okay, in that case, count me in” try:
“I understand! I’m not able to commit at this time, but I appreciate the invite”
“No worries, I think I need to keep that day open, but if there’s any flexibility to let you know day-of, I can check-in then.”
“I don’t think it’s going to work out this time, but I’d love to go to the movies together soon!”
Learning to develop boundaries around your time is all about developing the language to hold the boundaries you set. Up until this point, saying ‘yes’ may have felt most safe, it may feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice, the easier it’ll get to hold the boundary.
Resist the urge to plan even house projects on that day
Having a day where your only plan is to be at home can be tempting to play catch-up on all the house projects you’ve been putting off. That may be how the day shapes up, but don’t plan for it. Keep that as an option if that’s how you decide to spend the day, but know that you aren’t obligated to do anything on your ‘no plans’ days, that’s the point.
Having days where I have no plans has become a crucial part of my months to regroup and just be. Some days I stay in the house all day in my pajamas, other days I reach out to a friend because I miss them and catch up on the phone or make impromptu lunch plans. The best part is just knowing the day is mine to create.
Calling in more of this feeling for you and for me.
