wait, so rushing isn’t the default? (part 1)
My toxic trait is painting my nails 15 minutes before I need to leave.
My brain errs on the side of “yeah I can squeeze that in” even when I definitely can’t.
And somehow I’m 5 minutes late when Google maps said it would take 20 minutes to get there and I gave myself 15 minutes –– The math isn’t mathing.
It wasn’t until I was chatting with my partner about this and he said “if it takes 20 minutes to get somewhere, that means I need 30 because I need at least 10 minutes to assemble my shambles.” And that’s when it clicked. I’m giving myself time to get ready but not actually feel ready. When I give myself the exact amount of time to get somewhere with no wiggle room of course I’m going to feel rushed. When there’s no room to clear my mind of the mental tabs that allow me to be fully present, that’s how I end up feeling like I’m just a little behind.
Despite working as a project manager for almost a decade, my relationship with time is a rather fluid one. It’s in the losing track of minutes because I’m watching the clouds or walking slower so that I don’t miss a flower. That’s my relationship with time. So why don’t I leave space for that? My burnout comes from trying to fit myself into a time structure that doesn’t align with my pace. When I don’t leave space to move slower, I find myself rushed, feeling anxious leaving the house and carrying that energy into where I’m going.
Over time I’ve memorized the feeling of rushing to leave the house, rushing to the next place and having that feel like a norm. This habit didn’t just happen one day. It comes from years of feeling over-scheduled and under-resourced to care for myself in my down time. Down time isn’t really down time if I spend it spiraling on all the things I need to squeeze in somehow. When I was working 40-hours per week, this showed up every weekend where Saturday was spent decompressing from the week and Sunday was when I anxiously rushed through what I needed to do to get ready. My Saturdays used to look like stacking plans in the name of ‘relaxing’ to fit as much in as I could because I didn’t want to say no to anything I was invited to. Sunday was a catch up day where I did laundry, grocery shopped, meal prepped, cleaned and maybe had time to wash my hair. Because stacked days felt like the norm, the rushing that came with it felt like the norm too. Keeping my days action-packed kept my nervous system busy so that I didn’t have to feel the exhaustion that was underneath.
Even though stacked weeks aren’t my norm anymore, sometimes they’re unavoidable. This past week, I’ve had a couple of stacked days and to counter it, I tried inviting a little more spaciousness into my day. Instead of trying to squeeze something into a 30 minute break, I decided to just head to my next place early. I sat in my car and caught up on a few texts and took a moment to just breathe. Something shifted, I felt able to ground into the place when I arrived instead of coming in feeling frazzled and grounding in real time. It only makes sense that if I create time to move at my pace, I can feel calmer even on the fullest days and weeks.
As a business owner, I often find that it’s me spreading myself thin. Making the conscious decision to do less can feel like a risk, but having the space to create spaciousness so I can feel just a little more relaxed is well worth it. Sometimes those stacked weeks are unavoidable, and when they are, I’ve started looking at my week ahead to plan for recovery time. Recovery from week of energy output or stress.
Reflections
Take some time to journal and explore these questions:
Where can I allow spaciousness into my day?
Spaciousness is creating room with a sense of ease and expansiveness. It’s in those little moments you set aside to breathe or inviting a walk into your day to make sure you get fresh air. This can be as simple as making the conscious decision to rest instead of answering one last email or setting clear boundaries around when you are or aren’t working. Get clear on the ways that you can make spaciousness the norm when you feel the urge to keep doing. Have some ideas in your back pocket for when you need to take a breather.
How can I support myself to recover from a full week? What does that look like?
My favorite way to recover from a full week is to have a day where I have nothing planned. I’ve made a practice of planning 3-4 days each month where I don’t have any plans, obligations or even have to leave the house. These days remind my adrenals what it feels like to rest without having to produce the chemicals needed to get ready to leave the house.
What are the signs I’m feeling rushed?
Starting to even recognize when I was rushing was key knowing when to insert moments of spaciousness into the day. What are the somatic behaviors? What do you notice about how you’re moving when you’re rushing? For me I start to feel my chest tighten, I can’t focus on just one thought and I find myself trying to multitask even the smallest tasks when it would actually be most efficient to do them all separately.
The journey of letting go of rushing is, well, a slow one. It’s a journey of slow recognition and reprocessing of how to react to the stressors of everyday life. It starts with understanding when and why you’re rushing in the first place. Stay tuned for part 2 next week, where I explore how I learned how to rush from a young age and the role my inner child plays in all of this.